A Beautiful Mess

“Through, timeless words and priceless pictures/We’ll fly like birds not of this earth/And tides they turn and hearts disfigure/But that’s no concern when we’re wounded together/And we, tore our dresses and stained our shirts/But its nice today/Oh the way it was so worth it.”

When things get chaotic or messy there are two different ways people could handle it. They can either immerse themselves in the chaos or take a step back, away from it. What’s the right way to go about it? People that constantly step-back argue that immersing yourself in the chaos is full of uncertainty and pain. It’s hard to stare the chaotic situation in the face and deal with it. Sometimes it just becomes easier to step-back and not deal with it at all. The person who immerses themselves in the chaos, however, would argue that taking a step-back gets you nowhere. They would say that the chaos will always be there and never go away until you deal with and make it go away. “A wound never heals unless you treat it”, basically.

The good thing about immersing yourself in troubling times is that you are able to take it on face to face. It’s painful yes, but it needs to happen in order for it to truly go away. The good thing about taking a step-back is that you can avoid dealing with it and can avoid the pain.

The best way to handle it? Mix in some of both. It is true that we eventually have to deal with the chaos or our problems, in order for them to fully go away. We do have to treat the wound in order to heal. But it can be dangerous going in not knowing how to take care of it. That’s where taking a step-back comes in. We can take a step-back and evaluate and examine how to go about dealing with the problem. It does take some time and a lot of dealing to fully get out. It’s painful, it’s heart-wrenching, and sad at times, but it’ll all be worth it in the end. You’ll come out a stronger person.

I think for me, right now, I’m struggling with the whole patience and time aspect of everything. I am not a fan of immersing myself in the chaos or problem. I like stepping away from it and avoiding it. I guess that’s why when it catches back up to me it hurts even more. Because I truly think I’m over it and then I’m not ready for impact. To be straight up though, it sucks. As much as I don’t want to and know I shouldn’t, I blame myself more and more everytime it comes back. I think of things I could’ve done different, or things I should’ve been doing. But instead of facing these issues I run from them. It’s too painful to look back on, so i just run.

So from here on out, hopefully and Lord willing, no more running. It’s time to face the music and clean up my mess.

Dream Girl

Finding that “dream girl” or guy is something many single people strive for when getting into a relationship (from here on out I’ll just say “dream girl” because, simply, I am a guy).  It becomes a seemingly endless search with a lot of letdown and heartache.  Because of this letdown, often times, singles resort to other forms of dealing with not finding their “dream girl”. There are a few different ways in which single people view relationships and who they want to date.

There are those who want to enjoy being single and having the independence, not necessarily to be able to be promiscuous with whomever they please, although this is an option some people choose, but more so to focus on other things in their lives, such as their careers, schooling, etc.  They don’t want the stress and drama that relationships can bring.  Most of these people have most likely been in long, serious relationships only to see it go terribly wrong, or have a close friend that has gone through a drama-filled relationship and don’t want to find themselves in their shoes.  As far as promiscuity goes, they can choose this for that same reason or they could just be as shallow as just wanting to  get around because of solely, physical satisfaction.

The second batch of people are those who always date around, never really satisfied with who they’re with or the relationship they’re in.  They always want to see who else is out there.  They do like the feeling of being in a relationship, but move on quick for a number of reasons.  They may just settle on that person. They may see it as something to just “catch and release”.  They want to prove to themselves they can get someone and once they do, it’ on to their next challenge.

The third batch of singles include those who want a relationship, but just can’t seem to get get into one.  This could be for a number of reasons. One reason is that they don’t really know how to act around those they are attracted to. They get nervous, shy, or just can’t be themselves.  In other words, they lack the confidence they need to express who they really are.  A second reason is that they end up in the “friend zone”.  People end up in the friend zone for a couple different reasons.  One reason is that there’s just no attraction there.  It may not just be physical attraction, but some personality feature that just doesn’t entice you.  A second reason for being in the “friend zone” is that they don’t want to mess up the friendship if a relationship doesn’t work out.  It’s rare that exes remain friends after a break up, because, well it’s kind of awkward, especially after longer relationships.  If close friends started dating then broke up, then in turn you would end up losing a close friend.

The fourth set of singles are single because people just aren’t that into to you (forgive the horrid movie reference).  I hate to recommend for someone to change their personality for other people, but sometimes change would be good.  There may be something about one’s personality that just isn’t healthy or fitting for society. This may be in the form of narcissism, which is very common, or addiction to bad habits, i.e. drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.  In either case, these could cause people to become immediately turned off by you or deem you “undateable”.

So that then brings us to the fifth and final batch, minus the small number of those who are single through celibacy or aren’t allowed to date, but these can all be placed under the same umbrella as the first batch of singles.  This fifth batch consists of those who are single, because they are waiting for that “dream girl”, which brings us to the subject at hand.  These singles have this “dream girl” in mind and don’t date until they find that person who fit their criteria.  So why is it then that they still suffer heartbreak and turmoil when they feel like they have found the one?

Take a second and think of ten things you want you “dream girl” to have.  Don’t list physical attributes because, chances are, you wouldn’t consider this person to be you “dream girl” if you weren’t physically attracted to them in some way.

Here are some commonly listed things:

1. Sense of humor

2. Caring

3. Intelligent

4. Fun

5. Easy to talk to

6. Similar moral standards

7. Confident

8. Committed

9. Talented

10. Respectful

Now this list doesn’t represent everybody in the entire world, but they are what are more commonly wanted by people looking for their “dream girl”.  The main problem people often run into when getting into relationships is that they settle.  They know what they want in their “dream girl”, yet they just settle for someone who just fulfills part of their list.  Society often feeds the thought that the “dream girl” doesn’t exist and you should just settle for someone who fulfills at least part of your list.  So what happens then to the part of your list that isn’t fulfilled? That becomes the problem right there.  When we’re in these relationships, we start to notice the things that they don’t fulfill on the list.  So if someone you were interested fills, say, 7 out of the 10 things on the list, that leaves out 3 things that you want in your “dream girl”.  She is then no longer your “dream girl”, but rather someone who is almost your “dream girl”.  Those 3 things soon come to surface during the relationship, and the frustrations begin.  When we start noticing these flaws is when we start to get frustrated and do a number of things in order to deal with it.  We could try to just put up with it and get over it.  This often fails because a person can only take so much bottling in before they explode.  We could call the person out on it and try to make them change their ways, in other words, mold them into your “dream girl”.  This in itself can go one of two ways.  The person can reform and become your “dream girl” or, more commonly, the person remains the same and the fighting continues.  Another thing we can do is just walk away from the person all together.  It may seem like giving up on them, but it also may just be a realization that they are not your “dream girl” and you would like to continue on searching for her.

Now I’m not saying the next person you date will be your “dream girl”, even if you’re careful and try to find someone who fulfills everything on your list.  You may find someone who fulfills every last thing, but it still may not work out, simply because you may not be their “dream guy”.  You have to always remember that relationships are two way streets and whatever you could be feeling, they could be feeling as well.  Just remember, if this person really is your “dream girl”, then they would love you, and consider you their “dream guy”.